First, consider whether the relationship is healthy for you. Does it serve you? Is there possibility for a healthy relationship? Remember, that it is not your job to change people, people only change if they want to change. You can make changes and hope they follow, but you cannot expect them to change. Also, know that it takes 1 person to damage a relationship, but it takes two to rebuild it. If they don’t want to make efforts to help rebuild the relationship, then they’re not the right person for you. You deserve a healthy relationship, so put your energy towards those that want to have a healthy relationship with you by showing you that they care. You are worth that. Being in a relationship that does not serve both people equally, will not work. There should be equal energy spent. If one person pulls more weight than the other, there cannot be balance. We need balance within ourselves and in our relationships.
What does a relationship need to not only survive, but thrive? The following tips will build connection, love. Without success in all, your relationship will continue to struggle.
1). TRUST:
Do you trust them? Do they trust you? Has trust been broken? Can it be rebuilt?
If you’re interested in rebuilding trust:
Start rebuilding trust with your loved one. Every conversation is an opportunity to do so. Ask your partner how you’ve unintentionally broken their trust and share how they have. Share to learn and grow, rather than to blame or shame them. If you choose to not share how they have hurt you, they might do it again. If you want to be in the boat and stay in the boat, you need to learn to trust your partner.
TIP: Let go of anger! Rebuilding your relationship will be impossible if you hold on to anger and resentment. The anger does not serve you or your partner. Let go of what was and focus on what could be (your desires). If you feel angry during conversations, rather than releasing that anger towards your loved one and building regrets, step away and collect your thoughts to benefit both you and your loved one. Make a list of everything that makes you angry, then read through each item, try to find acceptance that it happened in order to move on. Come up with something positive to each and when you think of the negative thought that creates this anger inside you, redirect yourself to the positive thought. Practice this often in order to create a good habit and eventually instead of feeling anger and resentment, you might feel peace with the thought. Rebuilding trust and letting go of anger will take time and patience, but it will strengthen your relationship.
2). MUTUAL HONESTY:
Honesty is the glue in the relationship; it keeps you connected to your person. Without it, your bond will crumble.
If you’re interested in mutual honesty:
TIP: The truth will set you free.
3). CONSIDERATION/MEETING EACH OTHER’S NEEDS:
Do you consider them and their needs (thoughts, wants, opinions, desires, etc.)? Do you have them in mind? Do they consider your needs? What is most important to them and to you? What makes both feel loved and valued? Are dreams supported? Do they take priority? Are shared responsibilities balanced? What are you giving or serving, what are you receiving? -I find myself considering my needs, but not so much my spouse’s needs. I need to be mindful of his needs, desires, and dreams in addition to mine. Stop being unintentionally self-centered.
TIP:
Consider love languages. Work on what you can do to have them in mind and express what they can do for you. Most people are not mind readers, so expressing what is important to you will help your partner have you in mind. Learn the answers to the questions above to grow towards each other instead of away. *I recently had a WOW moment in my relationship with my husband. He and I have felt like were both trying hard to show our love, while being puzzled why the other person was not feeling loved. WE BOTH SHOW LOVE HOW WE WANT TO RECEIVE IT OURSELVES, INSTEAD OF CONSIDERING THE OTHER PERSONS LOVE LANGUAGE. For example, my husband’s love language is physical touch, he wants to receive love in this manner and has been showing his love in this way. My love language is acts of service, which makes me feel loved most, but this is also how I’ve spent time and effort into showing him that I care. We both need to consider what’s most important to one another instead of ourselves when expressing love and care, instead of building resentment because our spouse doesn’t acknowledge our efforts. Try treating shared responsibilities not as a chore, but as something that needs to be done for the team and doing 1 chore means 1 less chore your partner needs to do especially if they’re not there to do it and you are. So, stop allowing all the things that need done weigh you and your relationship down. Who cleans up the dog poop, or does the dishes, or makes the dinner doesn’t really matter as long as you both are putting in the same effort and being mindful of each other. Be humble when putting a little more work than your partner, rather than being angry at them. Support their dreams and desires by not shooting them down, even if they might seem unrealistic to you. They will need to figure this out for themselves. Instead of bringing them down with negativity and realistic doubts, say things like, “I support you.” Try not to give your opinion unless asked, just be there for support. Remember, we all need something for our happiness and self-worth. Don’t be a dream crusher, believe in them.
4) MUTUAL RESPECT: I NEED TO NOT BE QUESTIONED IN A RUDE WAY OR IN FRONT OF OTHERS BY MY PARTNER, AND LIKEWISE. If he questions or disrespects me, our kids will too. Love does not embarrass. Can he just assume that I have a good reason and therefore support me? Just put on the sunscreen! Without respect your partner will not feel loved or valued.
TIP: Consider their perspective with an open mind. Assume good intent. Listen. Show care and respect for their boundaries. You must see your loved one as an equal. Stop being self-centered, consider their feelings and try hard to come to a happy medium, therefore you must find a sensible way of behaving that is somewhere between the two extremes. Speak to your partner with respect. Without mutual respect, love can’t be expressed. Refrain from saying the negative thoughts in your mind, saying them doesn’t make anyone feel better. If saying the negative thought doesn’t serve anyone, don’t attach yourself to the thought, instead redirect to positive. Do you really need to tell me that I could have cut their nails earlier, instead of at bedtime?? Instead, say “how can I help.”
5) TAKE RESPONSIBILITY, “APOLOGIZE”: Can you admit when you’re wrong? Can they? Apologizing shows strength and willingness to grow, not weakness. I often tell my 9-year-old daughter this, so why do I struggle to do this myself? Your behavior affects others, whether directly or indirectly, positively or negatively.
If you’re interested in taking responsibility:
TIP: No one person is always right and it’s never just one way. If you’re wrong, admit your faults to grow. Start owning up to your part in the problem, take responsibility, and simply apologize (it will get easier with time). Be the example.
6) KINDNESS: Just as the familiar saying goes, “you’ll catch more flies with honey”, avoid negative comments. You are more likely to create positive change with kindness than with anger. If you yell at me, I will either shut down or yell back. If you use kindness to get what you want, I will likely listen and consider your needs.
If you’re interested in kindness:
Tip: If you’re mad about something, address it in a kind manner. For example, if your loved one embarrassed you in front of friends, confront them privately and say something like, “When you said or did _____, it made me feel like ___”. If your loved one does something that drives you absolutely crazy such as a bad habit that you just can’t take anymore you can try A. To let the anger go and assume good intent or say to yourself, “it’s not so bad, he/she does ____which makes me feel good, or B. Address the problem and say something like, I like it when you do this ______, but when you do _____ it makes me feel ______and I think it because of ______or I don’t really know why, can we talk about it? You need to learn how to talk to your partner about really anything. Building good communication through kindness will strengthen your bond and therefore your relationship. Use kindness to reconnect.
7) EMPATHY: ARE YOU AN AVOIDANT?If you’re an avoidant, you may lack empathy in many situations. The portion of your brain that allows you to express empathy, may have been shut off by your nervous system as a defense mechanism learned through childhood. Pulling away is also a defense mechanism expressed out of fear developed during conflict.
TIP: Work on not living in fear, rather build trust and a safe space for discussion rather than conflict (which sounds more like a fight with anger expressed). Letting loved ones in may allow you to empathize with them and therefore show love and care. Consider their perspective and how it would feel to be in their situation.
8) AFFECTION: One day I was in a restaurant and noticed a couple standing in front of me, waiting to be seated. They were speaking quietly to one another, while gently stroking each other’s arm or back. It was so sweet to see a couple in love. I didn’t need to know them to see their love for one another. I thought to myself, “I want that!” We need to reconnect.
If you’re interested in affection:
TIP: Ask your partner what affection looks like for them. Share how it looks for you. Practice mindful time for affection daily to show love and care.
9) EMOTIONAL SAFETY & GOOD COMMUNICATION: As an avoidant, I avoid the hard conversations. I do so, because I fear conflict, anger, intense behavior. In order for me to open up, I need a safe space to do so. I also fear closed minded behavior, judgement, and shame. This behavior does not resolve anything, it only builds anxiety, anger, resentment, and distance in my relationships.
If you’re interested in emotional safety and good communication:
TIP: Address to your loved one that in order to communicate, you need a safe space. Express what conflict needs to look like moving forward, for you both to work through situations without making things worse. During conflict maintain a calm manner and don’t attack the other person with your anger. Don’t villainize or blame them. Don’t assume bad intent. Say things like, “When you do this it makes me feel___”. Give them a chance to respond. If needed, respond with “I hear you, I will need time to process what you said, and get back to you”. Not processing feelings can result in saying things you may regret. Take time to really think about why they feel that way, but don’t allow too much time to pass to avoid your partner feeling abandoned. Time well spent here shows love and care in the relationship. If possible, think through things together. Actively listen when spoken to and consider each other’s perspectives. Remember, it’s not always one way. Take time here to think and consider their thoughts and feelings instead of shooting them down. Don’t react immediately, be mindful of what was said and make decisions and voice opinions after thorough consideration. Consider their feelings, just as they need to do the same for you. Say to yourself, “I wonder what it must be like to be in his/her shoes.” If needed, agree to disagree with respect of the other person’s feelings. Consider finding a happy medium in which both people give up something to allow the other person to feel loved and respected. Don’t say “no”, rather so “maybe”. Risk the discomfort, the hard conversations will get easier once trust and connection is restored.
10) TIGER TIME TOGETHER: Is alone time together prioritized?
If you’re interested in tiger time together:
TIP: Choose positive team building activities in which you can be mindful of each other while having fun. Be considerate of your partners interests. Express an interest in what they like, give it a chance, try to see why they like it. Take turns choosing something to do. Make this time a consistent priority in your schedules. This alone time spent together will likely strengthen your bond. So, step away from your busy life and make mindful time together!
11) FOCUS ON STRENGTHS RATHER THAN WEAKNESSES: Focusing on what someone doesn’t do or who they’re not, is like focusing on what you can’t or don’t have. It doesn’t change things. Complaining about them doesn’t change the reality. It only makes everyone feel bad. Focusing on strengths will show appreciation, acceptance, and love. Be mindful of your partners efforts, take notice of the little things that you would usually overlook and provide positive feedback.
TIP: Let them know that you notice what they do and that you appreciate it. Say something like, “I like it when you make me tea, it makes me feel loved” or “I appreciate you doing the dishes, so I didn’t have to.
12) PUT IN THE WORK OF HUMILITY AND SELF REFLECTION: There is always room for improvement. Showing efforts to improve yourself and to improve how you treat your relationship shows love and care. Positive growth helps with healing and improves happiness.
TIP: Find what makes you happy. Consider your SMILE FACTOR in everything, what makes you instantly smile? You can’t make others happy if you yourself are not happy. Both people will need to find their own value and self worth for happiness. Reconnect with yourself and build healthy habits. Stop blaming others, instead address your partners feeling and grow from it. Remember that it takes only one person to damage the relationship (but let’s not point fingers, that would create shame), but both is needed to rebuild it. So, instead of focusing on what’s wrong with them, focus on what you could do better for yourself and your relationship. Don’t change for others, but for yourself. Changing only for others, will only create more resentment. Stop seeking approval of others, be proud of yourself. Show appreciation for the work put in by your partner (which relates to focusing on their strengths rather than weaknesses or on what they don’t do).
13). Let go of anger and resentment. Both of you need to forgive in order to heal. You can’t restore your connection if either or both of you are holding on to anger and resentment.
TIP: Let it go! Take time to yourself to create a list of all the things that make you angry and sad. How do those things relate to your partner and to yourself. Take this list of negative memories and wrongs that were done to you, and find something positive in it, just one thing is plenty. Stop attaching to negative thoughts, redirect to positive. Try to do this frequently, it will benefit your day and your life. Once this list is complete and you have worked through each item and found a positive to them all, burn the list to let go of the anger. Tell yourself to no longer spend your time being mad about those things, stop bringing them up in conversation, and when you think about them, because you’re human and you will from time to time, focus on the positive that you found in it. Let the positive overcome the negative. Try this with every obstacle you come to in life, and teach this to your children when they’re young so they create this mindful2happy habit early in life. While creating my list, I had expectations to share it with my spouse, but while creating this post I thought, “Why”? Sharing all the things that made me put up walls and build anger and resentment towards him would not make me feel better, it would not make me feel better. If it’s something that is still happening, then I would need to address it in a manner that doesn’t shame him or make him feel bad. I would just need to be honest, without being rude. I would need to maintain respect during the conversation and avoid conflict. I may need to even allow him space to think and process what I said, and that’s okay. You know that you’re healing when you’re no longer interested in villainizing your partner and when you want the best for them.
**Friends, I wish you luck reconnecting in your relationship. It won’t be easy, but any effort shows care for your loved one. Don’t give up, continue to improve. We can all improve. Create good healthy habits for your happiness!